Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
