Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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