shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
