What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
