You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
