I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
