I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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