You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
