All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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