You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
