im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
