I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
