the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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