my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
