then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
