You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
