Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
