I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
