Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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