got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
