you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
