Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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