Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
