i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
