we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
