Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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