I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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