so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
