I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There's always time for handjobs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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