Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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