It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i out mim tonsoeep
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