Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
