You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
