ugly people sure do ruin things
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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