I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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