Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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