She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
