I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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