My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Life is so much better after having sex.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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