Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
