I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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