Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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