i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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