Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
