Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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