Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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