just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
