you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
