i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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