theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
